Humour

Topical or what?

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked!  Who on earth's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could always try Paul McCartney"

Blue Nun?

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. . . . . . . . . . "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

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He ain’t no chicken! 2

A new faddy diet has just been announced.  It’s the ‘Single Chicken’ diet.  Apparently you will lose 28lb if you eat nothing but one whole cooked chicken over a one month period.  You quarter the chicken and freeze what you can’t eat immediately. There is enough nutrition in one chicken to keep you alive over that time, but nothing else and so weight loss is dramatic.

A spokesman for the company promoting the revolutionary new diet said, “It’s fantastic.  You really can kill two stones with one bird!” 

He ain’t no chicken!

With the current craze for internet and other forms of match-making in full swing, a recently redundant City executive has started a revolutionary new business in poultry dating.

When interviewed, he said, “I know this is a very new and untried business venture, but when I suddenly lost my job, I decided I would do anything I could to try to make hens meet!”

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Weener takes all

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess.  One of them suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book . . . and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it’s because I'm a Hillbilly.  Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Bottoms Up!

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about

their bums !  I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum's too fat...

10% of women think their bum' s too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway!

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Game, set and match!

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad how's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I

think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop

playing for a while and not think about it.  Then, the next time I play, it

seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and

call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward

him.  Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the

green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his

voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and

call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his

voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for

money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to

play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION of this fable:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold. . . . . . . . . THE END

New revised BRITISH version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good . . . . . . . . . but. . . . . .

. . . . . . . the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper with
cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a
table laden with food.

The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.  The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and
grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, Camden Council confiscates his home.
The ant moves to France, and starts a successful agribusiness company
[funded by the EU, naturally].

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbott is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £610,000,000.  The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity.  The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,
praised by the Labour government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly set up a coke processing operation and terrorize the
community.

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Possession obsession

A securities dealer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile phone and calls the police, who arrive in a couple of minutes.
 
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the dealer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.  "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody City people are," he says, "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The dealer looks down in horror.  "F***ING HELL !" he screams. . . . . . . . . . .  "My Rolex!"

My word!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by the adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's {2005} winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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And God created. . . . . . . .

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. 

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
 

She will bear your children. . . . . . and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 
   

God replied, "An arm and a leg." 

Adam winced because he knew God didn’t play games.

On seeing this, God said, “On the other hand there’s the economy model.  For just one measly rib. . . . . . . . “

Oldies but goodies!

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme They sent me Diana Ross.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

There once was this Wizard who, every time he cast a new spell, had the feeling that he might have cast the spell before. I guess you could say that he had a vague sense of dejavoodoo!

I said to my friend "Do you want a game of Darts?"  He said "OK then." I said 
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest."

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this
vinegar's got lumps in it." They said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast
one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on TV but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I called the phone company and said "I want to report a nuisance caller."
The guy who answered said "Not you again."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish are in a tank.  One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive."

I have a pet lizard. I call him Tiny because he's my newt.

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Happiness is a second-hand email!

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

*  Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on  envelopes  -  because  I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

*  Also,  I  scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  Because  of  your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know  it  can  remove  toilet  stains,  which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

*  I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

*  I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

*  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

*  I  no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

*  I  no  longer  worry  about  my  soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

*  Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward  an  email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

*  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet  who is about  to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258^th time).

*  I  no longer  have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head  at  5:00  PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because  it  actually  happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

DO IT NOW OR ELSE.

And have a Happy New Year!

MEMOries of the Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
along. . . . and don't be surprised if the M/D shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim 'employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food.  We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruit as dessert
for Diabetics.  The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know
tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John

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Sound Asleep

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Selective reporting

Australian sports journalist and broadcaster, Mike Carlton, wrote in a newspaper last week-end, ”Eddie Jones, in attempting to defend Australia's 7th loss in a row said, ‘If you take the scrum out of the equation (Australia v England, Twickenham) we played well’.

Carlton added, ”That’s like saying ’If you take the assassination out of the equation, President & Mrs Kennedy quite enjoyed the drive from Dallas
to the airport!’"

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Best of British. . . . .

One of the national daily papers is asking for comments about "what it means to be British".

Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years. . . . . 

“Being British is about driving your German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. “

And the most British thing of all? . . . . . . . . . Suspicion of anything foreign!!!

Cool reception

Two women meet in the afterlife

1^st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2^nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1^st Woman: I froze to death.

2^nd Woman: How horrible!

1^st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After a while I quit shaking from the cold and began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2^nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1^st Woman: So what happened?

2^nd Woman: I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1^st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we might still be both alive.

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Voices off

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.  He decides to have some fun, and so he says to the Welshman "May I talk to your dog?"

The villager says, "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid person"

The ventriloquist asks, "Hello, dog, how's it going, mate?

The dog replies, "Doin' alright, thank you"

The villager looks shocked!

The ventriloquist asks, pointing at the villager, "Is this chap your owner?"

The dog replies, "Yep"

The ventriloquist asks again, "How does he treat you?"

The dog replies, "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The villager looks stunned

The ventriloquist says, "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

The villager, in shock, replies, "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. . . . . . I think"

The ventriloquist calls, "Hey horse, how's it going?"

The horse replies, "Cool, man."

The villager is totally dumbfounded.

The ventriloquist asks "Is this your owner?", pointing to the villager.

The horse replies, "Yep"

The ventriloquist asks again, "How does he treat you?"

The horse responds, "Pretty good, actually!  Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The villager is now in a state of total amazement

The ventriloquist asks, "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

The villager, in a panic, replies, "That sheep's a bloody liar!"

Only here for the beer

At a World Brewing convention held in the States, the CEO's of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference sessions.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya we make the best bloody beer in the whole world, so be good enough to pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "Here in the States we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans, CEO of Becks, steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das bier, verdamt.  Giff me ein Becks, ja das ist der real Koenig of biers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps  forward: "Barman, would you give me a diet coke with ice and lemon, tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement and disbelief written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy looks at all the other CEOs with disdain and replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinking, then neither am I!"

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A strange dream

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist, "I saw my Jewish mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.

"And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

English bush-whacked!

Guess who said all these things.

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
 one word is 'to be prepared'.”

"I have made good judgments in the past.  I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.  We have a firm commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

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Missing inaction

A bloke's wife goes missing on a skin diving expedition off the Barrier Reef. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened.  Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you: unfortunately some really bad news; but some good news; and some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it, both barrels.  What's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry, pal, but your wife is dead.  Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.   He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The sarge says, "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers (crabs) in and around her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."

And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks," the bloke says, "They're beaut, I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now what's the really good news?"

"Well," the Sarge continues, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11 o'clock and we reckon we'll shoot over there and pull her up again."

Spot the dog

A blind man walks into a bar, picks up his dog and starts swinging it round by the tail.

The barman asks him if he can help.

The blind man says, “It’s OK.  I’m just looking for someone.”

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Home Truths

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. . .

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. . .

A child's greatest period of growth is the month immediately after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without. . . but either way, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it . . .

True friends stab you in the front.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

The cat’s whiskers?

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.  One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous, dark-skinned, brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.  Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" 

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.  The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.  About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.  He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" 

The old man replies, "No problem, just get the lion out of the way."

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Her number’s up! 

A Chinese couple gets married.  The bride is a virgin, and truth be told, he is not that experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed covers as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan.  You just say.

“Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She recalls something she’s heard some of her friends discussing and, desperate to please her new husband and wanting to sound worldly, she eventually replies, shyly and unsure, "I wan some . . . . . . . . . . . 69."

Her husband looks pensively and eventually, in a puzzled tone, he queries...... "You want . . .  Beef wif Broccori?"

The Old Firm

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her behind and said, “If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top tights".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

Now this was a bit much to take, and so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his "willy". 

With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the milkman, the postman, and the gardener!”

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Building relationships 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.
 
One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.  She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
 
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
 
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
 
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"  

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks."

New study on sex

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Reading the signs . . . .

A man and woman meet at a bar.  They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place.  A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.  He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. 

Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."

Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes . . . how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
   
One thing leads to another and they make love.  Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist." 
  
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am recognised as a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" 

“I didn't feel a thing!"

Coming clean?

This is apparently an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...

I am a sailor in the merchant navy.  My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from
Liverpool.  My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two
sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other
currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest
with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.   We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell
her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

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Ronnie  Barker RIP.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though God knows how many takes). The irony is that the speed of delivery was such that they received not one single complaint. 
 
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
 
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
 
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
 
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
 
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.  Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
 
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
 
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
 
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and  the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
 
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
 
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
 
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

You must be choking!

An old man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?" the biker says, disbelievingly, "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

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No joke!

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

Blonde togetherness!

Two blondes realise that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," says the first blonde.

"Good idea," says the other.

"Together!  Together!"

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Touché

There are two fat men in a pub.  One says to the other, "Your round."

The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"

It takes bottle. . . . .

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.  The man stood up on the bar and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the

man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.  The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.  The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the

back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 . . . . . . . . . . And you thought it was an alligator joke.

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His number’s up!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Without question?

A man goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

 

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if was American?  What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase"

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Underground humour

The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the
"Going Underground" website.

Heard at Earl's Court:
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but
to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think.

On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen, but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want
to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central line:
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"

At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

 On the Victoria line:
"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a
good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"

 At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
'Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going
home.'

 At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):
"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at
Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the
door'

At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be
departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero
feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The
temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in
the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
unaware that he'd left the tannoy on):
“Bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

Self offence?

Defence Attorney: “Will you please state your age?”

Little Old Lady:  “I am 85 years old.”

Defence Attorney: “Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1^st?”

Little Old Lady: “There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.”

Defence Attorney: “Did you know him?”

Little Old Lady: “No but he sure was friendly.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened after he sat down?”

Little Old Lady:  “He started to rub my thigh.”

Defence Attorney: “Did you stop him?”

Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t stop him.”

Defence Attorney: “Why not?”

Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened next?”

Little Old Lady: “He began to caress my breasts.”

Defence Attorney: “Did you stop him then?” 

Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t stop him.”

Defence Attorney: “Why not.”

Little Old Lady: “His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened next?”

Little Old Lady: “Well, by then, I was feeling really so randy that I just laid down and told him, ‘Take me young man, Take me!’”

Defence Attorney: “And did he take you?”

Little Old Lady: “Hell no, he just yelled, ‘APRIL FOOL!’ and that’s when I shot the little bastard.”

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The Naked truth!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half intending to send the top half to Granny.  Unfortunately, he accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short.  Love, Grandma”

Pearls of Wisdom

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like
and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?  Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS, Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery
after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS, Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN, When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy, dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in  the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves, Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people, Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS, Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men, Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS, don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S, Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

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Lucky in love?

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.  Looking for his ball, he found a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.  Horrified, the golfer poured a bit of Irish whiskey over the little guy to revive him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you."

With that the golfer walked off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself, "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

 

A year went by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer was back on the same hole. He again hit a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.”

“'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

Then he added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

“Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know, and tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer stated. "I win fortunes in golf, and if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushed, turned his head away embarrassed, and said shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day? "

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around and then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

10 THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

  9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

  8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

  7. Fat clothes.

  6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

  5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-while, and eggshell.

  4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

  3. Eyelash curlers.

  2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

  1. OTHER WOMEN

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10 Ways to know if you have ‘Oestrogen Issues’

  1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
  3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  5. You're calling every car sticker that says, ‘How's my driving-call 0800. . . ‘
  6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
  7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from outer space.
  8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
  9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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Cherie picking!

Tony Blair started jogging near his home at Chequers.  Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.  He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.

"No!  Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.  He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!"  He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.  As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.  He figured he'd better have a darnn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.  Sure enough, there was the hooker.  Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then from the pavement the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid?"

Help 7 (Last but by no means least!)

Operator: Ridge Hall, Computer Assistance may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well I'm having trouble with Word Perfect
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well I was typing and all of a sudden the words went away
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared
Operator: Hmm so what does your screen look like now?
Caller: Nothing
Operator: Nothing??
Caller: It's blank it wont accept anything that I type
Operator: Are you still in Word Perfect or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Caller: What's a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn't a cursor, I told you it won’t accept anything that I type
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What's a monitor?
Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don't know
Operator: Well look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it can you see that?
Caller: Yes I think so
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall
Caller: Yes it is
Operator: When you were behind the monitor did you notice that there were two cables plugged into it, not just one?
Caller: No
Operator: Well there should be, I need you to look back there again and find the other cable
Caller: OK here it is
Operator: Follow it for me and tell me if its securely plugged into your computer
Caller: I can't reach
Operator: Uh huh, well, can you see if it is?
Caller: No
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Oh no, it's not because I don’t have the right angle, it's because it's dark
Operator: Dark?
Caller: Yes the office light is off and the only light I have coming in is from the window
Operator: Well turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can't
Operator: No? Why not?
Caller: Because there's a power failure!

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Help 6

Customer: I deleted a file from my PC last week and I've just realised that I need it.  If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?

Help 5 – Distance no object!

Tech Support: OK in the bottom left hand side of your screen can you see the 'OK' button displayed?

Customer: Wow, how can you see my screen from there?

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Help 4

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed fish bar in Cardiff please.

Operator: There's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed fish bar but the B fell off.

Au secours 3

Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France) If I register my car in France do I have to change my steering wheel to the other side of the car?

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Help 1

Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for jack?

Operator: I'm sorry sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.

Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning.  Now can you give me the number for jack?

Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall

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Magic moment

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week and so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once the parrot understood the tricks, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day. . .  and then 2 days. . .  and then 3 days.

Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold it back any longer and said, “OK, I give up.  Where's the f***ing ship?"

Mum’s the word

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mum, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
 

"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?
 

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

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Fortune-teller

Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married and were on their way to their honeymoon.

Mr Goldberg said to his new wife, “Sweetheart, would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?”

She replied, “Darling I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”

Happy days

“Congratulations, Michael,” said the bridegroom's uncle, “I'm sure that
you will look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your
life.”

 

“But I'm not getting married until tomorrow,” replied Michael.

“I know!  I know!” replied his uncle.

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No change!

Sam had just picked up his wife Beckie and their new baby from hospital and brought them home.  It was not long before Beckie suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a nappy.

I'm busy, he said, 'I promise I'll do the next one.'

The next time soon came round so Beckie asked him again. 

Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, 'I didn't mean the next nappy.  I meant the next baby.'

So you think you work with stupid people!

For anyone who has ever had an appraisal, remember, it could have been
worse. These are actual quotes taken from Government employee
performance evaluations.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a
definite won't be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.

10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.

11. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

14. He's been working with glue too much.

15. He would argue with a signpost.

16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one.

19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

23. He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.

24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

26. If you stand close enough to him, you'll hear the ocean.

27. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

28. One neuron short of a synapse.

29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge: he's only gargled.

30. Takes him two hours to watch 60-minutes.

31. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

32. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

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Weight loss?

An Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks.  Like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of  

"WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

De-bugger!

I was having trouble with my computer.  So I called Harold the computer guy to come over.  He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem and then gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error?  What's that . .  in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down . . . . . I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold!

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A dog’s life

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.

Then he gets an idea.  He calls his Redneck father.

"Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!  Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.  "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.  The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding!  What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.”

His father sends the money.  The boy has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.  So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited, "Where's Fido?  I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.”

This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog".

"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!"

"That's my boy!"

Half-hearted

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a

look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey

Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was

working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same job?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running!"

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Alternative ‘Out of Office’ auto-replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.  Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.  Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.  When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

Oops!

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry.  Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake.  I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished.  He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry.  He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about.  She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car.  He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you?  We sh@gged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No!  I'm your son's English teacher."

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Concrete action

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.  The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, “I

know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly

increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of

it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

 "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.  This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag!"

Bottoms Up

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.  Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."  

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." 

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf sex or dates. 

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.” 

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Thoughts for the day

*    Not all houses are expensive . . . . . . just the nice ones.
*    We can learn a lot from people who listen.
*    Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
*    China very big.
*    Winning isn't everything. There's also rubbing it in when you're done.
*    Rich people have the same problems, just with more zeroes at the end.
*    It's a good thing that global warming doesn't apply to rich Americans.
*    Creativity and insanity: seeing things that aren't there.
*    Philosophy is when psychology leaves the atmosphere.
*    It's not what you say; it's what they hear.
*    People treat you exactly how you train them to.
*    I get to choose whatever my wife picks out for me.
*    If you a know someone's mother's maiden name, you can pretty much take over their identity.
*    Never take the easy route -- it's too crowded.
*    Every 16 hours, we lay down to see if we learned anything.
*    When you think you know what the writer means but aren't really sure and
don't care anyway. . . that's poetry.
*    Happiness is knowing what's not important.
*    Eighteen-year-olds aren't qualified to pick a career.
*    When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other,
it's probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.
*    Enjoy the meanwhile.
*    Drunk is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there
*    America has been going downhill ever since that whole Plymouth Rock thing.
*    Monday is a cruel thing to do to your weekend.
*    Catholics can do anything they want so long as they feel guilty afterward.
*    Our biggest problem is that we don't have time to do nothing.
*    I can't wait to learn patience.
*    The watch is a shackle we pay for.
*    The trick is to keep our head in the clouds while our feet are firmly grounded.
*    A sandwich doesn't taste the same if it isn't cut in half.
*    When you get mad, take ten deep breaths. Then, if you're still mad, it's
okay to hurt someone.
*    Everyone has said, "It tastes like crap," but only a select few really
know what they are talking about.
*    I'll believe anything that flatters me.
*    Your parents did the best they could. The bastards!
*    I used to have a personality, but I traded it in for drugs.
*    Democracy makes a lot of sense unless the majority of people are fools.
*    The only difference between us and the guy chattering to himself on the
street is that he does it out loud.
*    It's the people who ask for loans that you don't want to lend money to.
*    What's good for you depends on who sponsors the study.
*    Anorexics and overeaters are running from the same problem in different
directions.
*    40% of morons struggle with math; the other 70% of us don't have a problem with it.
*    Probability is 100% chance.
*    By July 4th, California has already celebrated Independence Day. It’s called Cinco de Mayo.
*    50% of marriages end in divorce. It would be more but they don't count the
couples who kill each other.
*    People are bad for the environment.
*    Judging by our political decisions, hindsight is 50-50.
*    Being alive is a pretty good opportunity.
*    Put off your procrastinating.
*    Marriage begins the day you merge bank accounts.
*    The upside to dying is that you don't have to work the following day.
*    I, for one, am embarrassed that in this day and age we still don't live in
peace.
*    Good thing justice is blind; otherwise she'd be appalled by what's going
on inside our legal systems.
*    Life is 99% meanwhile.
*    Time used to fly. Now it's afraid of terrorists.
*    Every time my world gets interesting, they cut to commercial.
*    Football has more to offer than other religions.
*    When I see some of these people preaching about God, I feel sorry for Him.
*    China accounts for 20% of the world's population and 5% of its height.
*    The average American attention span is...
*    When my wife and I bought a bed, we had to choose sides. I got the wrong
side.
*    Everyone has that uncle you just can't trust. Mine is Uncle Sam.
*    Fruit only angers the need for chocolate.
*    Work: a lifetime sentence for not being rich.
*    Everything on land is within walking distance.
*    Thesbian, n. An actress who likes other women.
*    What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
*    The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.
*    Don't question your good moods.
*    Hierarchy, n. Order of the relatives who will inherit the estate when the
old fart finally kicks the bucket.
*    GBP70K cars don't make a man any less bald.
*    If my wife has taught me anything, it is this: No matter what in the world
I am doing, I should be doing it differently.
*    There's no known cure for the tobacco industry.
*    I know three songs by Britney Spears, and I can't stand four of them.
*    I've started sleeping 12 hours a day. The economy being what it is, I
can't afford to stay awake longer than that.
*    Nowadays the American Dream is to get hit by a well-insured vehicle.
*    I look forward to living in the present moment.
*    Everything is overseas if you go in the wrong direction.
*    When one door closes, God opens a window. Sometimes He wants you to jump.
*    Poverty is when you can't stop thinking of money.
*    Guns don't kill people. Bullets do.
*    It's so sunny in California that a one-bedroom apartment costs $1,200 per
month.
*    Anna Nicole Smith is proof that Hollywood has some serious quality control issues.
*    "They" don t know you.
*    It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before
you get married.
*    What is the opposite of a renaissance? I think that's what America is
having.
*    Bush taught me a valuable lesson: vote.
*    Who cares if I'm suffering from apathy.
*    "Today's Special" is a euphemism for "yesterday's rejects."
*    Charles Schultz became wealthy working for peanuts.
*    Musical chairs -- because kids don't already have a hard enough time
feeling left out.
*    I've got a sense of humour. I just don t have a sense of anything else.
*    Everyone wears hand-me-down genes.
*    Justice is blind. And in some cases, deaf and dumb besides.
*    When betting basketball, always pick the team with the most Black guys.
*    The elderly don't drive that badly -- they're just the only ones with time
to do the speed limit.
*    Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
*    A bad investment is like bondage: Your money is tied up while you get
screwed.
*    ‘Maybe’ is useful when ‘no’ might cause problems.
*    My wife and I have a system for settling arguments: We just talk and talk
until she's right.
*    I would play peek-a-boo with babies if the game had an official ending.
*    You can't trust aliens: They hover and abduct and never have the decency
to say hello.
*    Breeding should require a master's degree.
*    Life would make more sense if we lived it backwards.
*    Sometimes I think I have special powers, but it's always tempered by the
feeling that it could be the vodka.
*    If you lose your keys and they don't come back, they were never meant to
be yours in the first place.
*    If you study physics closely enough, it becomes theology.

Something afoot in the kitchen

A Scotsman gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.  He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night after you came to bed drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock. . ."

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Devil’s Advocate 4

WHEN DOZENS of gipsy caravans moved into a field opposite the 70-year-old cottage in Somerset occupied by two ladies (who may, or may not, wear comfortable shoes and do their own carpentry), their lawyers advised them to keep a detailed log of activities on the illegal site.

When yet more caravans arrived, bringing with them assorted dogs, feral children, peg-sellers, tarmac-layers and out-and-out thieves, the ladies rang the police to inform them.  Imagine their surprise when the local plod, rather than thanking them for their diligence, warned them that their behaviour could put their personal safety at risk and that they should not inflame the situation by looking out of their own windows.

Apparently the gippos had been moaning to the swiftly-deployed, publicly-funded members of Mr Blah's Turkey Army that the ladies were invading their privacy by looking at them.  Social Services rule OK.

I don't really know what to say about this. I think I'll just go and shoot some moles instead.

 

Devil’s Advocate 3

As the tourist coach approached the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais, the security scanners at the police checkpoint went berserk.

For once, the French plod weren't on strike, asleep or drunk and stirred themselves sufficiently to declare a full-scale security alert. Guns were cocked, helicopters were scrambled. A major terrorist incident was under way. . . . except that on board the coach were 48 hardcore members of the Suffolk West Federation of the Women's Institute. And not one of them wearing a burkha.

An hour later, after sniffer dogs had prowled up and down the aisle trying to distinguish between plastic corset bones and plastic explosives, the suspected terrorists were allowed to proceed, it being widely agreed that nail varnish fumes had set off the bomb detectors.

I can't be the only one to think that the Gendarmerie had a lucky escape.
 

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Devil’s Advocate 2

Now I'm sure we all know that you should never scratch a mole.  Why?  Because it makes them very cross. (Listen! That would win a Perrier
prize in a slow year.)

I have my own procedure for dealing with these furry pests. My man Whittaker, having bound his plus-fours to the top of his shins with baling twine to prevent involuntary mole incursion, then pushes lit bangers down their burrows and when they blindly emerge, coughing and spluttering with little hands held over their little ears, I despatch them with the trusty Purdy. It's quite fun.

Of course, it wouldn't do for the politically-correct bunny-hugging classes to enter into mole control in the same fashion, would it?  Well, you could be wrong.

Council officials responsible for the grounds of Kearnsey Abbey in Kent are pondering whether or not to gas the poor blighters who inhabit the estate.  And why?  In case visiting walkers fail to spot the molehills and trip over them, thus leaving Dover District Council open to a compensation claim.

Now any experienced walker (i.e. anyone who has safely traversed their own lawn) knows that moles push soil up through the surface creating little hillocks.  The sensible advice to anyone facing this kind of garden hazard is to carefully vary one's trajectory so that you WALK AROUND THEM.  It's not exactly rocket science.  Iraqis pick up the idea very quickly.

Perhaps the moles of Kearnsey are particularly cunning.  Perhaps they have perfected the art of creating invisible molehills, all the better to trap the unwary rambler.  Perhaps they're the hard cases of the mole world, with tattooed flippers and nylon Burberry thongs.

And perhaps the Kent courts are overloaded with a plethora of compensation claims for grievous injury?  You never know, Kearnsey Abbey might just be high on the list of holiday destinations for coach-loads of short-sighted Scouse pensioners.

But no, not a single injury has yet to be reported; not a single claim has yet to be received. But they might be. And therefore the moles must die.

To be honest, they'd stand more chance running the gauntlet of Whittaker and me.  Especially after sundown, when the cheap white cider is taking its toll.

Devil’s Advocate 1

I'll Have you lot know that I turned down a free dinner at The Ivy so as to have time to bring you this weekly nonsense, so we'll have no talking at the back and whatever Titmuss has got in her mouth, she can spit it out into the bin NOW. I'm confused. These shopping centres that are banning the wearing of hooded tops and baseball caps. Has it not occurred to anyone that most of the retail outlets contained therein are busy selling ... hooded tops and baseball caps? . . . and at stupid prices as well.

So you can buy them, but you can't wear them while you're buying them.  Is that joined-up thinking? And what about Robin Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, assorted Benedictine monks and Darth Vader, all devotees of the "hoody" and not your typical anti-social scrotes? (Although you wouldn't want to come across the latter wielding a bad-tempered light sabre in the interminable queue at the Post Office on pension day.)

And then there's Prince William, the Right Honourable William Hague and US millionaire Malcolm Glazer, all regular wearers of the ubiquitous baseball cap. Are they to be condemned? (Although once again, the latter is undoubtedly the Spawn of Satan and will surely meet a messy end should he ever turn up to watch his newly-acquired football club.)

As long as I can remember, "normal" society has felt threatened by aggressive fashion statements. From Teddy Boys, to Mods and Rockers, to
Skinheads and to Punks, the wearing of a hooligan uniform has put the wind up old ladies nationwide.

And I must admit that it isn't pleasant to be surrounded by gangs of feral teenagers who hide their faces like modern-day highwaymen, which is why I always carry a swordstick after dark.

But fashions pass and fade. All the Powers-That-Be have to do is wait.
Within six months, hoodies and baseball caps will be on the way out and some new sartorial horror will have taken their place. Red socks, comedy ties or spats worn with a spotted pocket handkerchief, that sort of thing.

Perhaps the answer is to set up Scrote-only shopping centres, where the slack-jawed, gum-chewing, feckless detritus of society can shop amongst
their own kind without frightening the horses. (Yes, I've heard of Aldi and Netto.)

These "pleb precincts" could even have stores specifically aimed at their target market. Endless branches of Dolestretcher (where everything is 37p) and Clinton Scratchcards (where women with scraped-back hair-dos, inappropriate nylon thongs and dodgy tattoos just above their arse cracks could exchange the few of their children's birthday postal orders that escaped the attentions of the thieving postman for a few seconds of sexual gratification, scraping frantically away at a piece of cardboard with a milk token).

And then there's the MotherDon'tCare shop strategically placed next door to the Early Pregnancy Centre. And Sex Toys 'R' Us down the road near the furniture warehouse called Pikea. The possibilities are endless. Row after row of microwave pizza emporiums, Elizabeth Duke bling outlets and Burberry-patterned three-abreast pushchair shops selling lightweight easy-push buggies to 13-year-old mothers.

Incidentally, I ended up stood behind a typical Pleb Precinct shopper in Tesco at the weekend. The tracksuit-clad slapper had a complaint – and so did the rest of the queue as her three brats Shiraz, Carsophagus and Chanel No 5 laid waste to the check-out displays.

She was brandishing one of those disposable barbecues and complaining loudly to the poor check-out girl that ??? wait for it ??? there were no burgers inside as pictured on the packaging. "Just effing coal."

To be fair, the girl explained the situation as tactfully as possible, offering the screaming harridan a full refund if she wasn't happy. It was then that she noticed the detail of the receipt.

"But you bought three of these," she told the Bardsley in front of her. "Have you brought the other two back as well?"

"No," said the tattooed troll. "They're in the freezer at home!"

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More on W.O.R.K.

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreation-Killer  (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Eradicator (WINE).
 

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrating-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.  The next best equivalent is Personal-Isolator Network-Overload-Traffic-Garbage-Reduction-Immuniser-General-Input-Output (or PINOT GRIGIO for short).

If all else fails go for Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).  In extreme cases Personal Overload Reduction Therapy (PORT) is highly effective when taken in massive doses.

These remedies are known generically as All-purpose Legal Comforting Off-duty Helpers Of Leisure (or ALCOHOL).  Alternative therapies known as Daily Regime of Unlawful Grin-inducing Substances (DRUGS) should be avoided.

Take the appropriate antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward  this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is 

DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
 

Urgent Update  20-06-2005!
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy  (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Victim of driving ambition

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the papal limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.  The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that.  This guy’s really important," says the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean REALLY important," says the cop.

The Chief then asks, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
 

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Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk, “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.
 

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.  He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.  The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.  

After controlling the car, he stealthily put his hand on her leg.  The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.  However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand touch her leg again.  The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized." Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at his church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
 

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

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Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

 

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"  

"It was Bob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Essex Girls 5

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

 Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

 Sharon:  "Ok."

 Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

 Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

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Essex Girls 4

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.  It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on  the A13.  Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

Essex Girls 3

An Essex Girl enters her local sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
 

 She says "I'll take the red one, please."

 The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

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Essex Girls 2

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.  She places a garment  on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.

 "Come again?" says the Assistant, cupping his ear.

 "No" she replies, "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girls 1

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

“Ten," replies the Essex girl

"Ten?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" 

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah. . . , " says the Essex girl, "it’s great because if they are out playing
 in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE,  YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all  do it. . ."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
 worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl. . . "I just use their surnames."

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Blondes 7

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone giving dogs names like that?"

"Hellllllllooo," answered the blonde  "They're watch dogs!"

Blondes 6

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Blondes 5

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

 

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. . . . . . we're going at night!"

Blondes 4

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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Blondes 3

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he can see her licence.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you took away my licence and now today you expect me to show it to you!  Get real!"

Blondes 2

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Blondes 1

Two blondes living in Essex were sitting on a bench talking. . . . . . . . and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away. . . . . . . . . . Florida or the moon?

"The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida. . . . . . . ?

Out for the count!

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a town churchyard.  A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate

arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, Yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's

backwards too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh? the Sixth? the Fifth?"

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing!"

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A pointed comment

A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large whiskey. Finishing his
drink, he turns to face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guy’s hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guy’s fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster.

"Brilliant shooting," says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun." Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartender’s hands.

"Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth."

"What the hell for?" asks the cowboy.

"Well, see that piano player," says the bartender, "he is Wyatt Earp, and
when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun right up your xxxxxxxxx"

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This will make you laugh for ages

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!  That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! and then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong? What's changed?
 

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.  But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! after that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!  

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards, "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out non essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
 

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
 

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Thoughts for the day

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins. . . . the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.
 

No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

 

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than in a 10 year old Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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Chicken Surprise

A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.  They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.   He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.  Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise.'

 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter. . .

 'I've brought you the Peeking duck'

Three cheers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we
drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and
fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no." he says, "Everyone's fine. It’s just that I’ve given up drinking!"

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Unchained melody

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the last two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
 

Because of your concern. . . . . . . .

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Funnily enough, the BIBLE did not mention that it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!  I will now return the favour. . . . . . . . If you don't send this message to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will crap on your head.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband!

Welcome to 2005

You know it is 2005 when:
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

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Heavens above!

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly
Gates.

"Art thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could fancy a little something," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they
began to share it.  While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down
into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.  Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts.  Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She
couldn't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward
for the pious, obedient life I led.  But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!  I just don't understand it."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," he said, "It just isn’t worth cooking for two people."

Oxford Dictionary's latest definitions

Divorce Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture An art of transferring information from the notes of
 the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
 either"

Conference The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic A book that people praise, but do not read.

Committee Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Opportunist A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father A banking and insurance service provided by nature.

Criminal A guy no different from the rest. . . except that he got caught.

Boss Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

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Show me the way to . . . . . . .

1. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

2. Rent a car at DFW Airport.

3. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" -
follow for 0.2 miles.

4. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles.

5. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport
Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles.

6. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles.

7. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles.

8. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles.

9. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0
miles.

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles.

11. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles.

12. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow
for 7.8 miles.

13. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5
miles.

14. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles.

15. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles.

16. Arrive at the town centre.

Now that's the way to Amarillo.  So now you can stop singing that stupid song

.

Humping?

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert.  During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women.  And sir, sometimes the men have m-m-m . . . . urges.  That's why we have the camel, sir."

The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.  Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.  Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?”

"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

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Bushwhacked?

Two Mexicans, stuck in the desert, were wandering aimlessly and close to death.  They were close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. . .

”Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, inthe distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon. . . every imaginable kind of cured pig meat imaginable!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon . . . ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that. . . Luis races towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
firs, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.  It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe. . . go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo. . . what ees eet?"

"Pepe.  . . ees not a bacon tree. . . . Ees  . . Ees. . . Ees, a Ham Bush"

G’Day sport!

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Cookery Week

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to
lend me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend
home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I
can't say it improved the rice.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before
serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).  For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I
had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger
in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk
Tom in to buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a
Chocolate Moose.
 

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

1) That's not right ...........................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?....Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man .................................Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ...............................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ...........Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table .......Ai Bang Mai FaKin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ...........Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ....................Wao So Dim

 .

10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ............No Pah King

12) But our meeting is next week ....Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ....................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .....Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ..........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

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Something for the weekend

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do.  When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.

Currency Exchange!

An Asian man was trying to exchange some Japanese Yen for US Dollars and asked the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today, I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!!!!"

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Smiling through

Three dead bodies turned up at the mortuary, all with very BIG smiles on

their faces.  The coroner called the police to report what had happened.

“First body was that of a Frenchman, age 60, died of heart failure while

making love to his mistress - hence the enormous smile, Inspector," said the

Coroner.

“Second body was a Scotsman, age 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning - hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

Ah," said the coroner. "This one is most unusual.  Paddy O'Flynn, fisherman

from Ireland.  Struck by lightning."

 “Why is he smiling then?" inquired the Inspector.

 “Thought he was having his picture taken..."

Overheard at a social(ist) gathering

Two students at a party are in discussion.  One listens intently as the other explains his deeply held communist beliefs. 

When the explanation finishes, the listener says, ”Wow!  That’s really interesting.  Let me see if I understand what you’ve been telling me.  As I understand it, you’re saying that in a communist regime, if you had two houses you’d give one to me.”

“Yes”, said the first, “That’s right.  You’ve got it exactly.”

“Let me be clear on this,” said the other, ”You’re saying that if you had two cars you’d give one to me.”

“Spot on,” said the first, “I knew you’d latch on to this quickly.”

“So just to be absolutely certain,” said the other, ”if you had two shirts you’d give one to me.”

“Ah.  No”, said the first.  “No, that doesn’t work.”

“Oh”, said the other, “I must have missed something.  Whyever not?”

“Well,” said the first, “Because I’ve got two shirts!”   

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Battle of the Sexes reprise

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40^th wedding anniversary.  The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replied, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

You pays your money. . . . .

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small’, $6,500 for ‘medium’, and $14,000 for ‘large’.

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

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Loud ‘n’ clear

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're having sex in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this terrific, ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Throwing in the towel

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi.

The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young
man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says,
"You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

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Withdrawal symptoms

A Sign in a Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.  Customers using these facilities are requested to use the procedures outlined below when gaining access their accounts.  After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.  Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the

    machine.

3. Set parking brake.  Put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release handbrake.

The next TV ‘Survivor’ series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition...each man will have to budget for groceries each week.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make biscuits
or fairy cakes for a social function. 

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are Asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and know the name of each and every cartoon character on TV.

The men must shave their legs, wear make-up daily, which they will apply

themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their
nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must attend weekly PTA

meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father Will be required to know all of the following information: *each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, their biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be Intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . called Mum!

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Animal instincts

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had terrible feelings of
remorse and he felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, quiet reassuring voice in
his head that said: "Bob, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're single, what's the problem?  Just let it go.

But another voice in his head would invariably bring him back to reality, whispering, . . . . . . . “Bob. . . . . . . . . . . . . Bob . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bob . . . . . . . . . . . .  "You're a Vet, you dirty bastard!!!"

Happy New (Tax) Year

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.  While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the inspector, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the inspector, thinking hard about how he could fluster

the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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Chav-ilry is not dead – innit?

Chav-ilry is not dead – innit?

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? . . . . . Innit. 

 2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? . . . . . Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? . . . . . Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? . . . . . Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? . . . . . They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? . . . . . It might be your bike.

7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? . . . . . One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? . . . . . What you lookin' at?"

9. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? . . . . Paint three stripes on it.

10. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? . . . . . The police

11. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? . . . . . A liar.

12. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? . . . . . Granny.

13. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? . . . . . None, "That's some uvver fellers job innit."

14. Why did the Chav cross the road? . . . . . To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

15. Two chavs jump off Beachy Head, who wins? . . . . . Society!

DARWIN AWARDS

It's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are

bestowed, honouring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious

winners.

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did

something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried

the trigger again. This time it worked. . . . . 
 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.  He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 
 

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a

blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the

space.  Understandably, he shot her.

 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from

Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free

ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the

staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the

injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he

could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,

and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer. . . $15.  (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is that a crime?)

 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquour store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.  The liquour store window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed

her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the

police apprehended him. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.  Police arrived at

the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to

steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into what he thought was the Gas

Tank.. then sucked to start the process.  The Unlucky  chap had in fact plugged the hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the

best laugh he'd ever had.

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Self help

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful

news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family

member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh * t."

Origins of yodelling

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.  Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.  He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.  The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
 

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
 

"That fellow, travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
 

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
 

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
 

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
 

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
 

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
 

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
 

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
 

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out . . . . .

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

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Raising hope

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!  ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.  He had no arms or legs.  

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. . . . you have no legs!"
 

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
 

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
 

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.  "What about being good in bed?"
 

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Mass extortion

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, Muldoon.  We cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something

for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. I'll go right away.  Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was catholic?”

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Thoughts for Easter

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Tesco is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world . . . but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp; some are pretty; some are dull; some have weird names; and all are different colours. . . . but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Fire brakes

One dark night in a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the plant. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters at bay. Soon more fire departments arrived, as the situation became desperate. The president shouted that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who  could  bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was a nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.  Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the elderly fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 80-year-old fire chief, "Da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat fokking truck!"

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Cause of arthritis?

A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained: his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologised.  "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" 

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with ‘botty’ problems, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
 

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

”Incredible,” he says, “there is a £20 note lodged up here.”

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

“This is amazing,” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?”
 

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.
 

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another etc. . . .
 

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
 

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den?."

The Doctor counts the pile of cash, “£1,990 exactly.”
 

"Ah, dat"d be roit. I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand!”

Health Scare

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please?

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare!

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same, Cancer scare!

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare!

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare!

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes . . . . . . no, wait! Cancer scare!

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) It’s obviously not safe to eat anything.  Just give me a packet of fags then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly.  £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks

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Doling out sex

Two men were talking.  

“So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special.  I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex? What kind is that?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Chestnut (from Laurel & Hardy!)

Two men are sitting talking.  The telephone rings. One answers, listens and then says, “It sure is!” and puts the receiver down.

The men continue talking.  The telephone rings again. The same one answers, listens again and then says, “It sure is!” and puts the receiver down.

The men continue talking.  A third time the telephone rings. The same one answers, listens and says again, “It sure is!” and puts the receiver down.

The other man says, “What’s that about?  Why do you keep saying, ‘It sure is’?”

The first man says, “The person on the phone keeps saying “Long distance from California!”

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Early warning!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. 

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened for a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

More plane truths

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
 

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, . . . and I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Long Stop

On driving down the road into the little Welsh village with the famous name of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobllllantysiliogogogoch, a man decides to stop for lunch with his family, just so they could say they had dined in the place with the longest name in the UK.

As they talked about the name with their little brochure acquired from the Tourist Information office they pondered its pronunciation.

He asked the waitress if she would pronounce the name of the place where they were really slowly so that he could get a feel for it.

She looked at him, puzzled, and then began, ‘Burr-gerr King’

One for the snow

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up along-side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.  When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a flipping gritter!"

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Touché

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE!), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5am.”

He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, “It is 5am. Wake up!”

Not im-pressed!

A husband walked into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.  He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opted for the most sheer item, paid the $500 and took the lingerie
home.  He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thought, "I have an idea.  It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won't put it on, do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and
keep the $500 refund for myself.”
 

So she appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.  Funeral services are pending.

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Jobs for the boys?

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists ... two men
and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. 

 
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances.  Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her!!!" 

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." 

 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,